The ultrasound this morning was horrible. We only saw a yolk sac measuring six weeks along with no embryo inside. One look at the doctor's face said it all. He was clearly very concerned and explained that the chance of miscarrying was highly likely. While it was a clinical pregnancy, something happened that caused genetic problems and prevented the embryo from continuing to develop. He compared it to having to shuffle a deck of cards perfectly - one card out of line, the pregnancy isn't viable. I barely heard anything else he said; I was in shock and kept blinking, thinking it was all a bad dream.
The doctor suggested I still get a beta today. I held it together while he was in the room but completely lost it right before they drew my blood. My husband and I just sat together in my car for awhile afterwards, as I was in no condition to drive. We explained the horrible news to our parents and close friends who have been kept in the loop. I finally stopped crying and felt able to go to work. It's always better for me to stay busy than be at home obsessing and feeling sorry for myself.
Life just doesn't seem fair right now. We were sooooo excited and hopeful this time around. We had already been through a painful miscarriage, so we thought this was our time. We only had good and encouraging news for the most part up to this point. There was no reason to suspect this could happen again. None. But the worst case scenario has happened.
How do we get through this? I'm not sure, but I do know that this hurts quite badly, worse than last time. Last time, we had a bad feeling about the pregnancy from the start. Last time, we were not in the happy and healthy place we are now. Last time, almost none of our close friends were pregnant. Now, many are.
I am a firm believer in that God never gives us more than we can handle. He has a plan and the perfect child picked out for us, just not this one.
It's healthy to grieve, and I know that. I managed to get some good work done at school today, but all I want to do is hide under the covers and cry my eyes out. All I want to do is to wake up from this awful nightmare. All I want is for Bean to be ok.
Deep down, I know we will get through this and be stronger for it. It's just hard to imagine that right now.
I am - and always will be - a warrior woman. I will get through this. I am a fighter, and I am meant to be a mother someday, hopefully soon.
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