Feeling happy for others...

Yesterday one of my good friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Josephine after 25 "easy" hours of labor. I am thrilled for her and her husband.

This feeling of joy for others is not always easy, though, especially when it comes to others' pregnancy and childbirth while struggling with your own fertility. It is one thing to congratulate someone in person or with technology; it is quite another to internalize that joy and continue to genuinely feel it in private. This is often quite complex. 

It would be a lot easier for me to harbor ill will, jealousy, or resentment towards our pregnant friends or those who are new parents. That would be understandable and even expected in a person in my situation. I've tried this, and believe me, nothing good or productive can come from it. 

While it is important to feel whatever necessary emotions you need to whenever you need to feel them, it is also important to recognize that love and joy are contagious. Give love to others in abundance, and you will have love returned to you. I often think of the timeless Golden Rule here - truly treat others the way you'd want to be treated - and then some. 

If love breeds love and joy brings us joy, then the universe does in fact reward those who are positive, hopeful, and generous. 

Reclaiming Life Post-Miscarriage....

A good friend of mine found this blog post about dealing with a miscarriage, which I think is beautiful and SO true!

I hope it helps anyone else who has suffered a loss and also makes things easier to understand for those with a loved one who had to endure one.

You can find this post at: http://apracticalwedding.com/2013/08/dealing-with-a-miscarriage/.

by Anonymous

I was a mother… but I never got to hold my baby.

 

My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for a year when we visited the doctor. Our whirlwind of fertility tests started with a blood test. A few days after going to the lab, I got a call from the nurse. “Your blood test shows that you’re pregnant. Congratulations!”

I responded by telling her my name and that she must have called the wrong person. She hadn’t.
The next day, I was avoiding sushi and caffeine, understanding why I was exhausted and trying not to get too excited.

When my spotting started, I found support in forums that it could be normal. Seeing our baby’s healthy heartbeat a couple days later made it easier to believe that everything was okay. When my intense cramping started and the bleeding picked up, there was no more denying that our baby wouldn’t be making it into the world.

Even though I wasn’t far along, miscarrying has been hard. I’ve gone through every emotion from guilt to relief to despair. I’m terrified and will be until the process is complete. I feel that I’ve let my family and my husband down. And worst, I feel that I didn’t do what I was supposed to do as a mother.

We didn’t tell anyone other than our parents, so I have to act normally. I pretend I missed work for the flu and that the pain pills I’m taking are just an antibiotic. I smile when pregnant women talk about their cravings and “like” the posts of their healthy ultrasound photos.

I’ve watched my husband cry and I’ve been woken up with cramping. I avoid looking at the toilet when I use the restroom for fear that I’ll see anything resembling the little person that my body didn’t seem happy to support. My life has become a bit of a horror movie when I thought I was starting a fairy tale.

Miscarrying is lonely, depressing business. But, as I sit here looking at our story, I know that this loss is not the ending to our story. In three days, we went from thinking we couldn’t conceive to knowing that we could. Our very small child changed my life and renewed hope I’d started to lose. Even though we aren’t strong enough to try to conceive again soon, this is just a step on the way to our happy ending—whatever that may be.

Photo by APW Sponsor Gabriel Harber

Take time to feel, be, and LAUGH!!

The start of the school year is always interesting. For the first time in eight years, I did not have my own classroom or new students to greet. My new job at my new school is to coach, mentor, and support teachers in anyway possible. And so far, I love it!

I really think this is the perfect position for me -- and my fertility! I don't have the daily stress of teaching and lesson planning, nor do I have the crazy stressful responsibilities of an administrator. It is certainly a refreshing change of pace and a new beginning I am happy to start. I certainly miss all of the student interaction but will still get to coach them with our new Girls on Track program and impact hundreds of them by helping their teachers be as effective as possible. 

Yesterday it also hit me just how far I've come in only a year's time. I went from having one of the lowest points of my life last fall in a job I felt overwhelmed by in a completely backwards school to being in a much more kind, peaceful, and happy place all-around now. In the process, my husband and I have a stronger marriage than ever. I really believe we can now endure anything together. It truly is a blessing.

I had my Beta drawn again today, and it's down to a 32.4, which is wonderful. It needs to be at or less than a 5 for my doctor to know my pregnancy is completely out of my system. As I've learned throughout my fertility journey, it's crucial to be proactive and take charge of your own health and treatment options. A former colleague had three miscarriages in a row before a reproductive endocrinologist found out that her thyroid levels were off. He put her on medication, and she now has two beautiful, healthy children. The stories abound.

Naturally, I am concerned with my own thyroid levels, even though the initial testing came back normal for the thyroid stimulating hormone. My nurse and doctor are on board, so they are going to to a comprehensive thyroid panel, Counsyl genetic screening panel, blood karyotypes (to check for chromosome alignment), and a thrombophilia panel (also called a "recurrent miscarriage" panel) to see if there are any other findings that would explain our losses. Knowledge is power, right?!!

This afternoon, I had a long talk with a colleague also struggling with fertility and leave you with two fun tips on how to sustain a pregnancy:

1. Eat at least 50 grams of protein a day (I NEED to do that!).
2. Laugh/watch something funny immediately after "doing the deed" (This helps with a positive mind-body connection).

Will Ferrell, Family Guy, or Modern Family it is! ;)

Joy IS within our reach!

A good friend found this reading, which I knew I had to share with you all!

http://www.gratefulness.org/readings/fra_giovanni.htm

New beginnings and opportunities!

It's weird for me going back to school this year. Instead of preparing my classroom and welcoming over a hundred new students, I am working directly with teachers as a mentor and coach in their classrooms and my spacious office. It's bittersweet but a new beginning at a new school with a very positive climate. I'm excited!!

We survived our housewarming party and had a great time! We had over 40 people visit our new house, including two pregnant women (one of whom is literally about to give birth!) and two children under the age of one. It felt  a bit awkward around one of the pregnant women, namely because I think neither of us knew what to say to the other. She knew about my pregnancy and probably doesn't want to say the wrong thing. I didn't want to say the wrong thing or stare at her "beginning to show" belly for too long either. :)   It's always difficult to have a one-on-one heart-to-heart while hosting a large party, but I hope she and I can be open with each other soon. I love her and am so happy for she and her husband, who originally were not sure if they could even get pregnant due to a variety of medical concerns.

This afternoon, we spent our time relaxing and swimming at the neighborhood pool surrounded by small children and a surprising number of pregnant women. Perhaps I'm just ultra-sensitive to pregnancy now, but is there something in the water this year?! And can I please drink it? Haha. Even at my new school, there are three pregnant women (and possibly a few more!) in a staff of 65. Crazy!

My hubby and I are hoping that we can get -- and stay!! -- pregnant again quickly. The shorter commute and less job stress for me will definitely help, as will our lovely home that we love being in (including the cat!). We are still planning on adopting a pug puppy this fall, if the mother will ever go into heat! Maybe she needs fertility treatments too. :)

My motto for this school year = new beginnings, new position, and new opportunities to make a difference! I am going to view my fertility journey the same way, with an open heart, eager mind, and willingness to be patient and kind with myself. We WILL get pregnant again, and we will be parents. That much I'm sure of. In the meantime, I will have faith in my body, my mind, God, my marriage, and the possibilities of each day.

With open arms, I welcome what the future has to bring! Do you??

Back to work and on the mend!

I felt like a human again yesterday. It was refreshing. I went back to work and was even excited to be there. My hubby even stopped by after work to build two bookcases for my new spacious office (with multiple windows!!) until 8 pm. What a guy!

Tonight we are having a big housewarming party. Since I'm feeling better, I'm sooo thrilled to be able to have it and see everyone. The house is almost clean, I worked out for the first time in a week via a spin class, and I'm even getting my nails done now in preparation. My hubby mentioned last night that I am finally my old self again; I definitely agree!

We discussed the several pregnant women who will be at the party tonight. My husband was concerned how I would be around them. My response? I will be just fine, as I've decided to open my heart, invite love in, and embrace others' happiness in the process. There is no reason why I can't feel happy for them, as I know it will be our time to have a baby soon. I know it.

I feel like I have been dead the last week. I needed to grieve and take time to heal, feeling what I needed to feel when I needed to feel it. I had a long talk yesterday with a fellow colleague also struggling with fertility. We discussed how hard it can be to feel pure joy for others who are pregnant. You find yourself congratulating them and trying to feel selfless happiness only to go home and cry your eyes out. Then the endless questions and spiral of downward thoughts begins. When will it be my time? Why does everyone else seem to get pregnant so easily? What are we doing wrong? How long do we have to wait?

Regardless of the unpredictable emotions or doubts, I know it will be our time soon. I have faith and confidence it will be. And in the meantime, I'm not going to stress every month. If will happen when it's meant to, and this future baby will know just how much he or she is loved and cherished when God says it's time. 

Now time to prepare for the party! 

Still home in pain...

I'd love to say I'm feeling better, but that would be a flat out lie. I rarely take a sick day from work, and for me to miss a day the first week my teachers are back is unthinkable. 

But here I am in bed with my four-legged nurse, nauseous, dizzy, feverish, and with the worst headache I've ever had. Oh, and my cramping is still there despite the codine. Body, what are you doing to me?!!

It's the guilt that is the hardest to overcome. I constantly feel guilty, especially for not being at work. My teachers need me. I need to make a good first impression on everyone at school. I need to be available to everyone. The hard lesson I continue to learn, though, is that I can't take care of anyone else if I don't take care of myself first. My health and well-being have to come first, particularly now.

If I'm honest with myself, I know deep down everything will be OK at work. I will have plenty of time to show them all I know and can do. They've already seen parts of it this summer. Now, I have to be patient and kind with my body. The nurse thinks that a lot of my pain is due to the extreme rates my Beta is falling - from 771 on Monday to 296 yesterday. My body is going through quite the ordeal and change, and I can't push it too hard. And I promise not to!

I received some good food for thought this afternoon from a dear friend:

- Grown up life sucks. But you know this is just a challenge to test you. And you will pass the test. Some day you will look back and remember when, and all of this will seem so far behind you. These tragedies are horrible and heartbreaking. But we do emerge and things do work out. Just really blows to have to go through all the crap. Sometimes that reason is so hard to see. But you got this, woman. Because you're a rockstar!

And a great quote for the day for all warrior women:

"Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm." Winston Churchill

I certainly believe that! 

Keep calm and grow on...

I'm currently lying in bed in a ton of pain. Unfortunately, the extreme cramping has persisted since Monday and the pain has been severe, so I knew I needed to do something about it today. I called the doctor, somehow managed to get through my morning meetings at school in one piece, and then had another ultrasound, this one much more extensive than Monday's. 

While no tissue was found remaining in my uterus, they did find a cyst next to my ovary. The doctor said these are normal and not to be concerned. If you say so! The nurses also did a complete blood count (to rule out infection), beta, and checked my vital signs. Hopefully, everything will come back normal.

I have a high tolerance for pain, but that doesn't mean I should have to put up with chronic pain unnecessarily. Instead of going back to school and getting worse, I decided to go home and head to bed with my codine like a good girl. My husband was impressed that I actually listened to my doctor and nurse. The doctor thinks my cramping is a direct result of the heavy bleeding I'm having, and he will continue to monitor the situation. Phew!

I'm listening to my body and finally giving it the time it needs to heal. I also have my feline nurse next to me, who won't leave my side. It's amazing how intuitive animals are.

Happily, I continue to get sweet and supportive messages from a variety of people. I'm including a few below for your reading pleasure:

* So lots of light to your heart. And the vacancy sign on my womb is still up, so reach out and hold my hand!

* Bean is ok, just not the OK we all wanted.

* Grieving is a working 

out of the blockage of the emotions and the mind. Sometimes it's crying that does it. Sometimes fasting does it. Sometimes running does it. Sometimes hard work will do it. There are a lot of things that do it. But to do it is very important.

- John-Roger
(From: Forgiveness: The Key to the Kingdom) 

* I was wondering how you were doing, so I just read your blog and was saddened to read about your recent loss. I just wanted to reach out and send you hugs, warm thoughts and prayers. I share your confidence that this will happen for you when the time is right and I am sure you will have the strength to wait, even though there will be hard days. I hope you and your husband continue to support one another and receive the support you need from all those around you who care about you so much.

Hang in there. 

My nurse:

Not alone....

I feel blessed to work in a middle school. Aside from loving the students and teachers I work with, I am automatically surrounded by a support network of women at all stages of their reproductive lives. At my new school, I have already found a ton of support from fellow women with their own fertility journeys to discuss. A few heard about my miscarriages and approached me to talk... and listen. I couldn't have been more appreciative.

One such colleague has been trying to have her second child for over three years. After several miscarriages and failed rounds of IVF, she is now pregnant with twins and due in January. She's the kind of refreshing person who calls a spade a spade and isn't afraid to speak her mind, especially when it comes to her fertility. Simply swapping stories with her was a breath of fresh air for me today.

I had another long talk with a trusted friend this afternoon about allowing myself to feel whatever emotions I need to feel... and being OK with that. There are some moments now where I need to burst into tears for a few minutes -- and I do. Other times, I am completely happy and fine. Denying myself the chance to experience any of these feelings genuinely would be a sad mistake -- and missed opportunity. Acknowledgment and acceptance of one's emotions is raw and ugly at times but so essential to one's well being, health, and recovery.

Everyone says I've such a positive attitude about my latest loss. I see it as resilience and an important part of picking myself up and moving forward. I can either sit there and feel sorry for myself, or I can continue putting one foot in front of the other, embracing every day, and taking things one day at a time. I choose the latter.

I choose to be a fighter. I choose to persevere. I choose to not give up. I choose to be a mother.

And one day soon, I will be.

Seeing nothing...

Ultrasounds are usually exciting. You get to see how your baby is growing and developing, how far along in your pregnancy you are, and what amazing things are happening inside your uterus.

Unfortunately, I've never enjoyed any one of my five ultrasounds to date. Two showed empty gestational sacs, one showed only my reproductive organs functioning properly and in perfect position (so I guess that was good news), and two showing that each miscarriage had occurred naturally, one of which was this morning. 

It was an emotional weekend. Saturday was the worst due to my ridiculously painful cramps and the feeling like someone was stabbing my insides with multiple knives. Thankfully, I think I passed everything that afternoon, as the scan indicated this morning. This means I don't have to get a D&C, which is also good news.

Since I am among 15% of Caucasians who have a negative blood type, I have to get a shot called Rho-gan to prevent infection in my uterus or my body from producing antibodies to kill off future embryos or products of conception. I'm unclear about exactly how it works, but it seemed to make some sense, so I agreed to the shot. 30 minutes of fighting with my insurance company over the phone for authorization of the drug (followed by 45 minutes of waiting for a return phone call), I was approved -- and got to spend $25 instead of $218 for a single shot. Victory! I then had the privilege of receiving the shot intramuscularly (AKA: in the butt). Since I also had my blood drawn to chart down my beta today, I continue to feel like a human pin cushion.

On Thursday, my beta was 2919. Now, only four days later, it has fallen to 771. For the first time in awhile, I WANT to see the number drop. The faster it falls, the faster my body will be ready to try to conceive again. There is no medical reason to wait -- the only factor is whether you feel emotionally ready to try again. We do. Of course, the beta has to ideally drop to 0 first, so we'll try to be patient. My next beta is next Tuesday morning.

Now, I find myself in excruciating pain. For some reason, the combination of the ultrasound, cervix check, blood draw, and shot in the butt caused me to have the world's worst cramps. I think my body still has a lot of blood to get rid off, and the pain continues to be unpleasant. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a good sign, though. My body is naturally ridding itself of all products of conception, blood included. A little pain is well worth the cost of my body being ready for another pregnancy, hopefully in the near future.

I always have the option of getting a prescription for narcotics if the pain becomes too unbearable, as my nurse suggested today. Something tells me that would make driving and teaching teachers a bit of a challenge, though, so I'll hold off for now. ;)

Here's hoping that the next ultrasound I see will show something positive, maybe even an embryo! Here's to the future and perseverance!!!

On God's terms...

I woke up this morning with an intense urge to talk to God. My husband and I have gone to church sporadically at best the last few months. I used to be a regular church goer who cantored and sang in the church choir. I miss that. I miss my conversations with God. I miss worshipping through music.

This morning, we are headed to church with a new attitude and mindset, ready to accept our special child whenever God deems it is time. I only hope His plan for our children is in the near future. Something deep down tells me it is.

It was also fitting that I woke up to a poignant email from one of my oldest and dearest friends. Here is an excerpt that really spoke to me:

--------

I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I've been thinking of you but have also wanted to give you space. I know that much of our conversation the other night applies here especially the part about "giving it up to God" but that doesn't necessarily make it better. 

Just know that I (as well as many other people) are here for you and love you. You have always been a friend that I have looked up to and admired. You have that "go getter" attitude that I have at times envied. So, if there is one thing I know about you :-) it is that she gets what she goes after. What we are all learning through life is that while we may work hard and do well, getting what we want doesn't always come on our terms. So in this case, you will get what you want ... it just is going to be on God's terms. 

I love you and you are constantly in my thoughts, reach out if/when you need anything.

Love you, write/call anytime, I loved talking to you the other night. Thank you for being there for me.

------

I am a warrior woman, and God knows that. It's the patience and self-kindness piece I need to work on. And I will.

One day at a time...

I am truly grateful for the amazing amount of support and hope I've received over the past few days. 

More than ever, I am realizing that this unexpected and painful loss is all part of God's larger plan. He is preparing a special child for my husband and me. The hard part is waiting to receive him or her and continuing to keep the faith that all is going as planned. I've never been an intensely spiritual person, but I've always trusted that everything happens for a reason and that God never gives us more than we can handle.

God's timing will be perfect. I will continue to invite love and joy in my life while I wait. But I also need to allow myself time to grieve. As one friend said, "being sad and crying on each other's shoulder is not a lack of faith."

My husband and I look forward to the day when we are meant to be blessed with children. In the meantime, we are looking forward to the birth and arrival of our new male Pug puppy, Oliver. 

I leave you with the words of another friend that offer hope and solace:

"I know this is the rough part of the journey and that everything will be okay in the end….it is just getting there...I am working on coming to a place of trust that not everything will happen exactly as I want, but that I will survive and be a stronger person."

 

I also keep repeating this sentence:

 

"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

 

 

Never Lose Hope....

It's been a difficult 24 hours, to say the least. 

Surprisingly, my husband and I are handling it better than expected, especially him. He truly is a rock of strength, calm, and hope. It really is amazing. He had a revelation a few days ago that filled him with a sense of calm. At last, he has found peace with not letting fear and anxiety rule his emotions and daily life. He is moving forward filled with hope, confidence, and strength, knowing that we will be parents one day. Invite love in, and it's unbelievable what can happen.

Aside from an incredible husband, I have been blessed with so many words of support from readers and close friends in this difficult time.

I'd like to anonymously share some of these sentiments with you in the hopes it can bring you optimism and peace as well:

*  Infertility is an emotional roller coaster for all patients, you’re not alone in the way you feel.  The most common reason cited in the literature as to why couple’s drop out of fertility treatment is because of the emotional toll it has taken on them.  This is why I continue to encourage you to hang in there; you will get there.  We don’t always have the answers as to why this is happening to us, much like a healthy and young person doesn’t expect or understand why they may have a cancer diagnosis, but we need to remain perseverant and trust that even without the answers, you will be a mother.  I used the cancer example because a lot of research has been done on the parallels between cancer treatment and infertility treatment as far as the psychological processing of the journey.  Allow yourself to grieve; it’s okay to experience the ups and downs day-to-day as you move through this process. 

* I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how heartbroken you and Greg are. I know how badly both of you want to start this next step in your lives, and it makes me so sad to know that you have to go through this pain again. Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do. In the meantime, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

* Prayers to you and your family! It is wonderful you are staying positive! Bless you!

* I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and well wishes. (((hugs)))

* I'm so sorry!! Sending prayers your way!

* Oh no!! I am soo sorry!! Praying for peace through this for you.

* You are the most upbeat person I have ever met!

* ... know that miracles DO happen. Ironically an atheist friend recently told me "Let go and let God".. of course, he didn't mean it in a religious sense. Just that there are things we can control, including our reaction to things.. and things we can't, which includes other people's behavior or big events in life. Wishing you a miracle, warrior woman.. you are stronger than you realize..

* I am so deeply sorry...It's been such a hard journey for you. Praying for you both. Lots of love and hope; sometimes things take more time than we can understand. That's the lesson I and friends keep learning all around me lately. Keep the faith.

* You are a strong woman. You are going to be okay. You were meant to be a mommy and you will be. Stay strong, love.

* You are amazing! Snd you will be a fabulous mother. When a baby is ready to stick it out for the full term and join us here on Earth, he or she will have the support of two beautiful spirits behind him or her, guiding and protecting always...You already have been a fabulous mother! Don't think I don't know those tiny ones feel your amazing love!!!

* Stay strong, keep your head up, and try to stay optimistic. Words can't explain how shitty it is, but I really do believe everything happens for a reason. 

And finally....

“When God takes something from your grasp. This is not a punishment, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence. "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

I love you all.

And here is a photo as a final farewell to the Bean whom we hoped for but wasn't meant to be (It shows the 6 week old gestational sac they photographed yesterday):

Trying to stay strong...

Well, the worst case scenario has happened. We are officially losing another baby. I am still in shock.

The ultrasound this morning was horrible. We only saw a yolk sac measuring six weeks along with no embryo inside. One look at the doctor's face said it all. He was clearly very concerned and explained that the chance of miscarrying was highly likely. While it was a clinical pregnancy, something happened that caused genetic problems and prevented the embryo from continuing to develop. He compared it to having to shuffle a deck of cards perfectly - one card out of line, the pregnancy isn't viable. I barely heard anything else he said; I was in shock and kept blinking, thinking it was all a bad dream.

The doctor suggested I still get a beta today. I held it together while he was in the room but completely lost it right before they drew my blood. My husband and I just sat together in my car for awhile afterwards, as I was in no condition to drive. We explained the horrible news to our parents and close friends who have been kept in the loop. I finally stopped crying and felt able to go to work. It's always better for me to stay busy than be at home obsessing and feeling sorry for myself. 

Life just doesn't seem fair right now. We were sooooo excited and hopeful this time around. We had already been through a painful miscarriage, so we thought this was our time. We only had good and encouraging news for the most part up to this point. There was no reason to suspect this could happen again. None. But the worst case scenario has happened. 

How do we get through this? I'm not sure, but I do know that this hurts quite badly, worse than last time. Last time, we had a bad feeling about the pregnancy from the start. Last time, we were not in the happy and healthy place we are now. Last time, almost none of our close friends were pregnant. Now, many are.

I am a firm believer in that God never gives us more than we can handle. He has a plan and the perfect child picked out for us, just not this one. 

It's healthy to grieve, and I know that. I managed to get some good work done at school today, but all I want to do is hide under the covers and cry my eyes out. All I want to do is to wake up from this awful nightmare. All I want is for Bean to be ok. 

Deep down, I know we will get through this and be stronger for it. It's just hard to imagine that right now. 

I am - and always will be - a warrior woman. I will get through this. I am a fighter, and I am meant to be a mother someday, hopefully soon.

PUPO!!

I had a long talk with a good friend yesterday about remaining calm and confident that everything will work out. I've spent so much of my time protecting myself and preparing for the worst case scenario to happen that it has taken much of the joy and excitement out of my early pregnancy. It's like I'm constantly waiting for a ball to drop and something to go wrong.

Instead of freaking out, I need to actively practice more positive visualization -- seeing a heartbeat tomorrow, picturing my baby's healthy growth and development, and imagining life with my future child and husband. I do a good job at this in the evenings when meditating and relaxing at the end of the day (especially now that I have my Doppler), but I need to keep breathing and stay positive during my busy work day as well.

One of my biggest enemies? Doctor Google. I have spent hours upon hours scouring the Internet looking for the latest answers to my gazillions of questions related to every possible pregnancy symptom and issue. The problem with so much information available at the click of a mouse is that it becomes extremely overwhelming and exhausting. There is an answer for everything; everyone has an opinion; no story is alike; people freak out over everything. Chat rooms often become a soapbox of complainers, rude people, neurotics, and other emotional individuals who have had every kind of unimaginable, bad, and dramatic experience. Simply reading the posts makes me want to take a long nap -- or hit my head against a wall repeatedly, depending on the day.

Today, I have not done ANY research regarding any aspect of pregnancy or miscarriage, which is a HUGE accomplishment. Of course, it also helps that I am no longer at boring, neverending trainings for my school district where I find myself being distracted every five seconds. I am back at my new school with PLENTY to do, a new position to learn, and new colleagues to meet and assist.

None of this is easy, of course. Tomorrow is the big day -- our first ultrasound! I am beyond excited to see how long I'm measuring and hopefully see or hear a heartbeat. All signs point to things being well and good up until this point, so there is no reason not to be hopeful and confident, right? After all, I am PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)!

Oh, and another good friend of mine saw a motto that beats mine:

Keep calm and incubate.

I also like:

Keep calm and bake.
Keep calm and cook.

You get the idea.

Bean, are you there?!! We certainly hope so!!

Already showing?!

So my hubby and I both agree - I am already showing a little baby bump. It is no longer just in my neurotic imagination. It really showed in a tank top I wore to a Pilates class last night. 

My uterus has grown twice in size since the beginning of my pregnancy, so it's common for one's stomach to appear larger. I think this will be the only time in life when I will be excited to gain weight! I better enjoy it now!

In my attempt to listen to my body and really take care of myself, I have been making meditation and finding the baby's heartbeat through the placenta an evening routine. Both activities calm and reassure me.

Aside from taking care of myself, my husband and I are struggling with another big decision - whether to still follow through with our plans to get a Pug puppy this fall about four months before the baby arrives. To Pug or not to Pug? That is the question.

My heart, of course, still very much wants the puppy. My head is terrified that we will be in over our heads with two young ones at the same time. Will this be too much? Will we be in over our heads? Will we regret getting the dog? Will we be able to give the puppy enough attention to the baby? Will the situation be fair to the puppy and baby? Ah, the questions about the unknown abound.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and perspectives!

I also attempted to take a seven week belly shot selfie last night. Here it is:

Keeping calm and carrying on...

I'm trying to think of a good shirt logo for early pregnancy:

Keep calm and get your folic acid on.

Keep calm and grow a bean.

Keep calm and grow a belly.

Keep calm and let that baby grow!

Sadly, they don't have the ring to them I would prefer. I will keep thinking...

I am not a naturally calm person. Teaching middle schoolers for eight years has helped, but I am still a type-A-want to be in control kind of person. This means that I immediately opened and tried to use the Fetal Doppler once we got home last night. 

Since I'm just at seven weeks now, I assumed it was much to early to hear the actual heartbeat myself, but that didn't stop me from trying anyway. Much to my surprise, we heard the heartbeat through the placenta, which was very exciting!! It sounded like a fast-beating, swishing sound. How cool is that?! I think my husband may hide the device from me if I become too attached to it! I think it's well worth the money for the emotional sanity it brings.

I had an interesting carpool conversation on the way to a training with a colleague I found amusing. As one of the assistant principals of my new school, she says she guessed I was pregnant weeks ago and even mentioned the possibility to the other two administrators. Crazy, right? Does she have the magic ability to tell someone is preggers at the moment of conception with her uncanny mommy instincts? If so, she will be an overnight millionaire.

I'm fortunate to hear from her how supportive our principal is of pregnancy and family. I think I may tell him this week at some point. It's always nice to know you're surrounded by people who are supportive, understanding, and encouraging of your personal life. 

On another reassuring note, I am now further along than my last pregnancy. I miscarried on this day exactly then. Some dark spotting continues on and off, but no cause for concern yet, thankfully!

Bean, we're rooting for 'ya!

On the road again....

Something has bothered Bean today. He has rejected food all day and caused more unpleasant bathroom trips than usual -- when I didn't think it was possible for me to go to the bathroom MORE. Needless to say, this drive from CT (where we were at a friend's wedding this weekend) back home to MD has been less than comfortable.

In addition to rejecting food almost immediately, Bean has also decided it would be funny to give me a baby bump already. It's tiny, but I call it my seven week belly bloat. Yay for water retention! I'm not exactly sure how I am retaining any water when I pee constantly, but that's for another discussion.

We broke the news to my in-laws and hubby's grandparents this weekend. They were, of course, overjoyed. I hope it wasn't too early to do so, but hopefully, history will not repeat itself and Bean will stick! 

I continue to be nervous and anxious about Thursday's ultrasound. What if we don't see anything? What if a heartbeat can't be detected yet? What if there is just a sac like last time? Oh, the unknown. It can be so terrifying! Still, we continue to be hopeful and recognize that this is in God's hands. Time for my inner mantra and meditation when we get home!

Stick, Bean, stick!!!

Want to hear your baby's heart beat?

I know I can't wait to do so!

An old friend from college, who is due in September, suggested I invest in a fetal doppler. I think it will be awesome to heat the baby's heart beat every night before I go to sleep! She says it provided her with a lot of reassurance during weeks 9-19 until she could feel her baby kick.

I just ordered mine at: http://www.fetaldoppler.net/sonoline-b-pink.html. This doppler is higher quality and the same price as those you'd find on Amazon.

Happy listening!

FANTASTIC news!

I love my fertility nurse. I had bloodwork done at 7:30 a.m., and she already got the results back to me by 10:18 a.m. I think the more good news she has, the faster she is to share. :)

Here is her email:

-----

Hi Kay!  The level is AWESOME at 1830 today!!!!  This is looking fabulous, congrats!

Please schedule your first OB ultrasound for Thursday, 8/15.

Thanks,

Paige

-----

Yay! The level is still doubling about every 2.5 days, which is great. You can see a gestational sac at any level above 1000, so I am beyond excited for my first ultrasound next week! The hubby, of course, will also be coming.

I also asked Paige about spotting, and she said the following:

------

Hi Kay, It IS fantastic news!

1.  Benign bleeding happens in about 25% of pregnancies; plan to monitor it and don't be concerned unless it turns into heavy flow/passing clots with cramping.  I attached an information sheet.

2.  Yes, it's encouraged to take a DHA supplement. Go right ahead!

------

I found the additional information she sent very helpful and encouraging too:

1. If you are scheduled for a pregnancy test after IVF and start bleeding, come in anyway. Bleeding, especially spotting, does not mean you aren't pregnant.

2. We will follow your hCG levels every 48-72 hours for a few measurements before scheduling an ultrasound. In most, but not all,cases, the level will double every 48 - 72 hours in a normal pregnancy. Multiple gestation cannot be diagnosed from the hCG level.

3. Bleeding in early pregnancy is very common. As many as 25% of women with a normal pregnancy have some bleeding in the first trimester and go on to deliver a healthy child. This bleeding may be light or even as heavy as a normal period!

4. Unfortunately, bleeding may also be a sign of miscarriage. When the bleeding is associated with pain, severe cramps, or passage of tissue from the vagina, miscarriage is more likely. Call your physician if this happens to you. With any bleeding, getting as much rest off your feet as possible may be of help, as well as avoiding intercourse and introduction of tampons into the vagina. Continue all of your medications that you may be on unless specifically instructed to alter this regimen by your physician.

The good news is that most pregnancies are successful, even ones that may be associated with some bleeding. After a heartbeat is identified ob our early obstetrical ultrasound, your chances of delivering a baby are great. For singletons (one baby) the odds are greater that 90% of a healthy baby!

Good Luck! 

------

Cheers to more great news! I am toasting with Dasani strawberry-flavored water. Mmmmm!

For fun, I am posting a photo of all the positive pregnancy test strips I have taken every day since 7-21 (Yes, I am Type A for sure, but these tests are accurate and cheap! http://www.amazon.com/Wondfo-Pregnancy-Test-Strips-50-count/dp/B004AOMAOG/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1375975046&sr=8-3&keywords=pregnancy+test+strips).

It's fun to watch the line get darker every day, though I'm not sure how much darker it will get now!

Let's notice more and stop trying to hurry up...

A good friend of mine alerted me to this article that I HAD to share. It is especially poignant for all of us Type A mommies and soon-to-be mommies. 

The Day I Stopped Saying 'Hurry Up'

Posted: 08/06/2013 5:44 pm

Read more

#MoreThanWords, The Third Metric, Disconnecting, Hands Free Mama, Hurried Life, Less Stress, More Living, Moms, Raising Girls , Parents News

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When you're living a distracted life, every minute must be accounted for. You feel like you must be checking something off the list, staring at a screen, or rushing off to the next destination. And no matter how many ways you divide your time and attention, no matter how many duties you try and multi-task, there's never enough time in a day to ever catch up.

That was my life for two frantic years. My thoughts and actions were controlled by electronic notifications, ring tones, and jam-packed agendas. And although every fiber of my inner drill sergeant wanted to be on time to every activity on my overcommitted schedule, I wasn't.

You see, six years ago I was blessed with a laid-back, carefree, stop-and-smell-the roses type of child.

When I needed to be out the door, she was taking her sweet time picking out a purse and a glittery crown.

When I needed to be somewhere five minutes ago, she insisted on buckling her stuffed animal into a car seat.

When I needed to grab a quick lunch at Subway, she'd stop to speak to the elderly woman who looked like her grandma.

When I had 30 minutes to get in a run, she wanted me to stop the stroller and pet every dog we passed.

When I had a full agenda that started at 6:00 a.m., she asked to crack the eggs and stir them ever so gently.

My carefree child was a gift to my Type A, task-driven nature --but I didn't see it. Oh no, when you live life distracted, you have tunnel vision -- only looking ahead to what's next on the agenda. And anything that cannot be checked off the list is a waste of time.

Whenever my child caused me to deviate from my master schedule, I thought to myself, "We don't have time for this." Consequently, the two words I most commonly spoke to my little lover of life were: "Hurry up."

I started my sentences with it.

Hurry up, we're gonna be late.

I ended sentences with it.

We're going to miss everything if you don't hurry up.

I started my day with it.

Hurry up and eat your breakfast.

Hurry up and get dressed.

I ended my day with it.

Hurry up and brush your teeth.

Hurry up and get in bed.

And although the words "hurry up" did little if nothing to increase my child's speed, I said them anyway. Maybe even more than the words, "I love you."

The truth hurts, but the truth heals... and brings me closer to the parent I want to be.

Then one fateful day, things changed. We'd just picked my older daughter up from kindergarten and were getting out of the car. Not going fast enough for her liking, my older daughter said to her little sister, "You are so slow." And when she crossed her arms and let out an exasperated sigh, I saw myself -- and it was a gut-wrenching sight.

I was a bully who pushed and pressured and hurried a small child who simply wanted to enjoy life.

My eyes were opened; I saw with clarity the damage my hurried existence was doing to both of my children.

Although my voice trembled, I looked into my small child's eyes and said, "I am so sorry I have been making you hurry. I love that you take your time, and I want to be more like you."

Both my daughters looked equally surprised by my painful admission, but my younger daughter's face held the unmistakable glow of validation and acceptance.

"I promise to be more patient from now on," I said as I hugged my curly-haired child who was now beaming at her mother's newfound promise.

It was pretty easy to banish "hurry up" from my vocabulary. What was not so easy was acquiring the patience to wait on my leisurely child. To help us both, I began giving her a little more time to prepare if we had to go somewhere. And sometimes, even then, we were still late. Those were the times I assured myself that I will be late only for a few years, if that, while she is young.

When my daughter and I took walks or went to the store, I allowed her to set the pace. And when she stopped to admire something, I would push thoughts of my agenda out of my head and simply observe her. I witnessed expressions on her face that I'd never seen before. I studied dimples on her hands and the way her eyes crinkled up when she smiled. I saw the way other people responded to her stopping to take time to talk to them. I saw the way she spotted the interesting bugs and pretty flowers. She was a Noticer, and I quickly learned that The Noticers of the world are rare and beautiful gifts. That's when I finally realized she was a gift to my frenzied soul.

My promise to slow down was made almost three years ago, at the same time I began myjourney to let go of daily distraction and grasp what matters in life. And living at a slower pace still takes a concerted effort. My younger daughter is my living reminder of why I must keep trying. In fact, the other day, she reminded me once again.

The two of us had taken a bike ride to a sno-cone shack while on vacation. After purchasing a cool treat for my daughter, she sat down at a picnic table delightedly admiring the icy tower she held in her hand.

Suddenly a look of worry came across her face. "Do I have to rush, Mama?"

I could have cried. Perhaps the scars of a hurried life don't ever completely disappear, I thought sadly.

As my child looked up at me waiting to know if she could take her time, I knew I had a choice. I could sit there in sorrow thinking about the number of times I rushed my child through life... or I could celebrate the fact that today I'm trying to do thing differently.

I chose to live in today.

"You don't have to rush. Just take your time," I said gently. Her whole face instantly brightened and her shoulders relaxed.

And so we sat side-by-side talking about things that ukulele-playing-6-year-olds talk about. There were even moments when we sat in silence just smiling at each other and admiring the sights and sounds around us.

I thought my child was going to eat the whole darn thing -- but when she got to the last bite, she held out a spoonful of ice crystals and sweet juice for me. "I saved the last bite for you, Mama," my daughter said proudly.

As I let the icy goodness quench my thirst, I realized I just got the deal of a lifetime.

I gave my child a little time... and in return, she gave me her last bite and reminded me that things taste sweeter and love comes easier when you stop rushing through life.

Whether it's ...

Sno-cone eating

Flower picking

Seatbelt buckling

Egg cracking

Seashell finding

Ladybug watching

Sidewalk strolling

I will not say, "We don't have time for this." Because that is basically saying, "We don't have time to live."

Pausing to delight in the simple joys of everyday life is the only way to truly live.

(Trust me, I learned from the world's leading expert on joyful living.)

This post originally appeared on Hands Free Mama.

Trust....

I have always been one to want to see the best in people and earn their trust in return. Sometimes, I tend to trust and let others in too easily. Ironically, the person I often have the most trouble trusting completely is myself.

This individual trust issue seems to be exacerbated by my pregnancy. When I spotted a small amount of blood today, my mind immediately went to the worst - I was having another miscarriage. It took several repetitive Internet searches, a chat with my mom (who I'm very open with about my fertility journey), encouraging words from my hubby, and lots of calming deep breaths for me to stop freaking out -- and remain hopeful. 

While not always normal, spotting and even bleeding is very common during early pregnancy. The cause for concern comes when the bleeding is bright red, heavy, fills more than one pad an hour, and/or is accompanied by other abdominal pains, especially cramping. Luckily, my spotting was ridiculously light, dark, and did not come with any unpleasant pains. I am hoping this is a good sign. 

A good friend of mine offered some comforting advice before I boarded my plane home to MD: to meditate, rub my belly, trust that everything is going well with my developing baby, and do some deep breathing on the plane. She also offered an inner mantra she finds helpful in staying optimistic, which I am adapting for my use below:

Trust in God,

Trust in my body,

Trust in myself,

Trust in my doctors,

Trust in my beautiful baby,

Trust that everything will work out,

Trust that my dream will come true.

Let's all try to trust our instincts and bodies more. We'll be glad we did.

Walking on eggshells with a smile on my face....

As a newly pregnant woman with a previous loss, it's easy to be cautious the second time around. My husband's approach is, "Once bitten, twice shy," especially when it comes to announcing our pregnancy. Obviously, my approach is a bit different. I have this blog, don't I? Hehe.

My approach is unique because I know I will need the emotional support of loved ones no matter what, whether this pregnancy goes healthfully to term or, God-forbid, we have another miscarriage. I have always been very open about my fertility journey, and now is certainly no exception.

But how soon can you start imagining the future? How soon can you start hoping -- and believing -- that everything is going to work out this time around? When is it OK to breathe and relax? The answers are not easy, and I can make myself crazy with all of the knowledge, hysteria, and information available on the web and from others.

This pregnancy DOES feel different to me, though. Unlike last time, I am at a healthy starting weight. Unlike last time, I am much more stable, physically and emotionally. Unlike last time, I am starting at a much better job at a much more supportive school MUCH closer to home! Unlike last time, I am being closely monitored by doctors and nurses from the start (not at 8-10 weeks for the first time, the length of time most have to wait just to see their OB-GYN for a first prenatal appointment!). Unlike last time, I am more at peace, calm, and happy with the present.

Yes, I have a good feeling about this time around, but I also know better than to assume everything will go well and that this pregnancy will last. I am the eternal optimist, but I am also a realist. The chances of any woman my age having two miscarriages in a row is around 2%. The odds are in my favor, but it's hard not to be cautious. I don't think I will feel truly satisfied until I have a bouncing, screaming baby in my arms, as I've discussed previously.

Despite these hesitations, I am not looking back -- only forward. Today, I decided on an "Under the Sea" nursery theme and am even considering NOT finding out the gender of the baby (Still need to discuss this with the hubby, though!). I dug up my last Amazon Baby Registry started last fall and made some updates. I began a pregnancy log. I continue to meditate, rub my belly, and think only positive thoughts. I'm convinced, after all, that there is a real mind-body connection here.

If not be positive and hopeful now, when? The time to be happy and hopeful is now, and the place is here.

Go, Bean, go!

Into my 6th week and trying to stay calm....

One of the biggest challenges with every new pregnancy is remaining calm and stress-free. This is especially true for those of us who have experienced a loss (miscarriage, etc.) in the past. We constantly wonder, "Will this pregnancy last?", "What if I lose this baby too?", "Will everything be OK?", and "How do I know that everything is progressing smoothly?" Stress is not good for you or the baby, so finding coping techniques that work for you is essential.

Now at the completion of my sixth week of pregnancy, I am trying my best to have ME time each and every day. Yoga, meditation, long walks, stretching, massage, and baths have proved helpful -- and quite relaxing. My cat also seems to sense something is different -- he is constantly sitting and nesting on my stomach, even when I take the shortest of naps. They say cats tend to find the warmest spot in the room, and my belly is definitely "heating up" right now!

Since I am CONSTANTLY fatigued, I give into the exhaustion and allow my body to rest, rather than trying to fight it. Yesterday, after a crazy early morning wake-up (2:11 am!) and flight to Florida to see my parents, I collapsed onto the bed twice -- once for a three-hour mid-day nap and then again at 7:30 p.m. I woke up confused and alert at midnight, choosing to read on my Kindle until I felt tired again. The result? Another solid seven hours of sleep. I even slept through my parents' Maltese crying and barking outside my door. Thankfully, I woke up feeling much more refreshed at 7 a.m. and even managed to go on a long walk before the FL heat got far too intense to bear.

Yes, I am listening to my body. I continually crave water, so I drink a lot. I have to continually pee, so I do....seemingly ALL THE TIME. I feel continually tired, so I rest. It sounds simple, but for a normally hyperactive, type-A person like myself, this is a HUGE feat. I continue to be forgiving and accommodating to my body, which is undergoing quite the miraculous series of events right now. I must be grateful, patient, and kind to it -- and myself.

I'm hoping I can figure out how to post pics on this blog, as I want to start showing off belly shots this week. Alas, yes, I just discovered how to do so. Easy peasy!

I present to you my very first belly shot of this new pregnancy at 6 weeks:

Here's to a healthy and happy continuation of "the bean"!