The big day....

UPDATE: No pregnancy this month, but we are ever hopeful for the next cycle! :)

Today I find out the results of our first IUI. Was it successful? Am I pregnant or not?

Up until Tuesday, I was convinced I was pregnant. I felt nauseous, my boobs were huge and ridiculously sore, I was tired all the time, and I just had this gut feeling. It's hard to explain, but I bet some of you know what I'm talking about.

Then I started spotting. Nothing major, just dark and brown bits of blood when I wiped. The spotting continued through Wednesday and yesterday on and off, appearing a bit heavier at times.

Now, this is the kind of phenomenon that can drive any woman trying to conceive crazy. Part of this is why I was so emotional yesterday, as I ended up thinking and assuming the worst. Like my husband, I tend to catastrophize and sometimes expect the worst when the unexpected happens. I certainly did not want to set myself up for more disappointment, heartache, or sadness than necessary.

My solution? Scour the internet to find stories of women in my situation, some of whom were bleeding and still pregnant and others who bled and ended up having their normal periods. The unknown is a scary place, and it is easy to psyche yourself up or out. It is also easy to make yourself bonkers about ALL of the crazy information that is out there. What begins as a simple Google search of "heavy implantation bleeding" quickly turns into 10 online pregnancy tests, 200 posts you're reading from other TTC women on message boards, and 500 conflicting messages on the topic.

Counterproductive? Yes. Impossible not to read? Of course. Obsessive? Absolutely.

I don't care. I like getting information and being in the know. As previously stated, I can probably tell you any fact about pregnancy you'd like (or prefer not ever) to hear. I probably have done the same internet searches hundreds of times for no known reason, other than the comfort of seeing something I want to have happen written down. Hey, if she bled for 10 days heavily and was still pregnant, there's a chance for me, right? Her home pregnancy tests came back negative when she was pregnant, so what if I get a false negative? Ahh, the possibilities...the potential...the torture!

I am fully expecting my pregnancy test to come back negative today. As hopeful as I was, this bleeding freaked me out, and I have my doubts, even though I bled early on in my first pregnancy. Either way, I will be OK.

I am a strong warrior woman, and if this is not yet my time to be a mom, that time will come. I'm sure of it.