I almost had a complete breakdown this morning. After the hubby arefully collected his special sperm sample at home, we drove into Shady Grove Fertility separately. I did my best to keep the collection container upright throughout the drive.
Once at the office, the hubby opened the brown bag with the sample container and saw that the sample had leaked. Oh no! We were both terrified that this meant we would have to cancel this cycle and start over again next month with another IUI. Luckily, my amazing husband rallied and was able to dutifully collect another sample. Phew! We were beyond relieved.
Apparently, I was supposed to sign in at the front desk again, which I neglected to do, so we ended up waiting longer than necessary for the actual IUI procedure. Once I explained to them what happened and how I had students waiting for me at school, the wonderful nurses made it happen. Within a minute (and then 5 additional minutes of lying on the table), the procedure was done.
For those of you unfamiliar with what an IUI is, it stands for intrauterine insemination. During the procedure, a sample of washed and very healthy/strong sperm is placed via catheter directly into the uterus. This is supposed to maximize their chances of making contact with the egg and eliminate any problems related to toxic cervical mucus, sperm swimming in the wrong direction, and/or only a few sperm actually making it into the uterus.
This is the first month we have used Clomid and done an IUI, so we are cautiously hopeful. Realistically, there is only a 16-18% chance a pregnancy will result, but we both feel like the chances are greater than other months we've tried to conceive. In two weeks, I return to Shady Grove for a pregnancy test -- fingers crossed! It will be the day before we head out west for two weeks. In the meantime, I have to take two different supplements vaginally to help increase the thickness of my uterine lining to create an ideal space for a developing embryo.
So far, I have not had any side effects to the medication or procedure, which is very lucky. Clomid is known to make women either nauseous or exhausted, but so far, so good for me. Knock on wood! I have some moderate cramping after the IUI, which is supposedly normal. We are keeping the hope alive!
I've started reading Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos (http://www.amazon.com/Instant-Mom-ebook/dp/B0089LOH8S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370620351&sr=8-1&keywords=instant+mom), per the recommendation of a friend at school also undergoing fertility treatments. It is a hilarious, well-written memoir of Vardalo's 10 year struggle to get pregnant and successful adoption from the American foster care system. Greg and I have talked about adoption and have mixed feelings, primarily due to some horror stories both sets of our extended families have undergone with domestic adoptions. While we would obviously much rather have a child with our own genes, it is also difficult to ignore the fact that there are over 129,000 children in the American foster care system legally emancipated from their birth parents and looking for new happy, stable homes. We are not shutting the door to this possibility, if and when it comes to that.
Throughout my fertility journey, I have learned that it is OK to feel what you need to feel and accept that you are not in control of everything. As an overachieving perfectionist and type A personality, this is a lot easier said than done. I have succeeded at so many things in my 30 years of life that infertility was an unwelcome and unexpected surprise. Why do I have such trouble conceiving when other friends and women seemed to just roll over and get pregnant? Why didn't I have children earlier (ie: in my 20s)? Why is this so difficult for us when the cause is unexplained? How long do we have to wait for a child? Did I do something wrong to deserve this?
The answers to any of these questions are not easy and perhaps not fair. What I do know, though, is that this entire experience has brought us closer as a couple, partners, and best friends. We know we can get through anything together and come out stronger -- and more united -- in the end. I am blessed to have such a supportive, kind, intelligent, loving, and generous husband who not only wants a child as much as I do but also stands by me every step of the way. He is a rare gem, and I feel eternally grateful to have met him in 2001 and married him in 2008.
Whatever the future may bring, I feel confident that it involves children for us, whether through a natural birth or other non-traditional means of parenthood. I refuse to let myself give up or give in to all the negative thoughts that can come swirling around in circles endlessly through my mind. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I refuse to feel bitterness, sadness, or jealousy when my close friends become pregnant or give birth. I refuse to be a victim. Instead, I will continue to choose to be a strong warrior woman, one who is prepared for the next disappointment, challenge, struggle, or victory. I refuse to stop being a fighter. How about you?
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