The waiting game...

I haven't written in awhile, and it hasn't been for lack of wanting to. Not much has been happening on the fertility front for us in recent weeks.

Last week, a fertility nurse informed me that LabCorp had messed up my bloodwork and not taken all of the necessary samples for further comprehensive testing back in early September. Since all of the bloodwork wasn't properly done, I had to get the necessary nine vials of blood drawn this morning and will not be able to see the fertility doctor until the end of October. Bummer!

My husband and I could be infuriated by this, but what's the point? Waiting a little over three weeks to see the doctor really doesn't matter one way or the other. 

In fact, we are taking a much more relaxed approach to getting pregnant now. We are not using any fertility treatments, but I have embraced Eastern methods of fertility treatments, such as herbs, weekly massage, and regular acupuncture. We are having regular sex but aren't stressing out about it. We are confident and optimistic that we will be pregnant again; we just have to be patient and kind to ourselves! I have even deleted all of the pregnancy apps from my iPhone! This says a lot.

It was certainly a good sign that my period arrived right when it was due the month after my miscarriage. My body is slowly getting back to normal and will soon be ready to conceive again. That much I am sure of.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue taking good care of myself. I now get more regular sleep than I ever have, love my new job, and am finding healthy, less demanding forms of exercise other than Crossfit. I am in a much better place -- physically and emotionally -- than I was just one year ago. 

God has chosen a special baby for us. We just need to continue having faith and good that we will meet him or her soon. In the meantime, our waiting game will continue....but we will continue smiling. Life is too short not to.

For all of you about to give birth....

I'm thinking of many of my current colleagues here!

Prayer Upon Admission To the Hospital

Upon Admission To the Hospital

Master of the universe: I believe with perfect faith that my salvation is in Your hands and that no mortal doctor has the power to heal anything. May it be Your will to save me from this mighty danger, and help me so that the doctor who comes to deliver me at the proper time may be Your faithful emissary; and that no mishap occur on his account, heaven forefend, and that I may give birth with good fortune and with no injury either to me or to the fetus.”

Prayer from a Yiddish prayer book of unknown date; translation from “A Jewish Woman’s Prayer Book” by Aliza Lavie Copyright © 2008 by Aliza Lavie. Excerpted by permission Spiegel & Grau, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

A Prayer for Labor

A Prayer While Birthing

Birthing Blessings

Merle Feld

Help me to protect and nurture and guide

this new, yet undiscovered soul.

And let me not curse the child or myself

when we both prove to be only human.

Lines excerpted from the poem, “Birthing Blessings” by Merle Feld, published in “A Spiritual Life: A Jewish Feminist Journey” (State University of New York), 1999

For when you want to make a baby! Yeah!

Here's a special prayer for that special time...

Prayer for the Night of Conception

On the Evening The Couple Wishes To Conceive

By Nina Beth Cardin

My God and God of my mothers and fathers, may it be Your will that You be gracious to us tonight. Make tonight a night of peace and joy, tenderness and loving, a night on which my beloved and I conceive a child. Hold us close in Your embrace, God, just as we hold each other tightly. Remember us as You remembered Sarah. Care for us as You cared for Rebecca. Tend to us as You tended to our mothers, Leah and Rachel.

Choose from Your sacred treasury of souls, and give us a child who is wise and caring, healthy and secure. May we be blessed with a pregnancy that lasts, with a birth that yields life, and a child who gives us joy.

May our family grow through the years, and through Your kindness, may we be a blessing to all who know us.
May the words of our mouths and the desires of our hearts please You, our Strength and our Deliverer.

Prayer from “Tears of Sorrow, Seeds of Hope: A Jewish Spiritual Companion for Infertility and Pregnancy Loss” 1999 by Nina Beth Cardin.

A Prayer for Fertility Treatment

Thinking of you all....

Prayer for Fertility Treatments

 

Open, o open for us the gates
I pray and pray

the body's silence
swallows my prayer

I want to run out into the sunlight
be impregnated by the virile air
take the syringe out of my uterus
where is my mother, where is the midwife
when will the darkness blur into a shape

in this room discarded ova hover
ghostly spheres above the metal ploughshares
of the fertility doctors
why am I here
I want to give life to a single cell
so little to ask

so much

Excerpt from a poem/prayer written during fertility treatment. Printed by permission of the author, circa 2008.

A Special Prayer for the Womb...

Prayer for the Womb

World Of The Womb

Tikva Frymer-Kensky

My eye cannot see you.

My will cannot control you.

But I feel your presence,

and I note your being

and I wish you all blessings,

and I love you.

Lines excerpted from the poem, “World of the Womb” by Tikva Frymer-Kensky, published in “Motherprayer: The Pregnant Woman’s Spiritual Companion” (Riverhead Trade), 1996.

Prayer for a Healthy Pregnancy

Prayer for an Easy Pregnancy

Prayer For An Easy Pregnancy

“May it be your will God, my Lord and the Lord of my ancestors, that you will ease for me the difficulty of pregnancy, and that You will increase my strength, and the strength of my fetus. And that you will save me from the fate of Eve, who was punished, “I will increase your suffering and distress, with suffering you will give birth to children.” When my time to give birth will arrive, I will give birth easily, and without any pain, and the baby will go out into the air of the world easily, and without any harm to me or to the baby. And the baby will be born with good luck [mazal tov], into life, peace, health, wealth, and honor, and will find grace in Your eyes and in the eyes of all your creations, and through this child will be fulfilled the verse: “There will not be a mourner or a barren woman in your land, I will give you a full life.”

Lines excerpted from a prayer that originally appeared in the Yiddish Zultsbach prayer book, circa 1825.

A Prayer for Conception

Prayer to Prepare for Conception

Like The Radiance Of The Moon

Ruth Lazare

My God, Creator of beauty and purity
Molder of body and soul,
I am the woman now standing before You in prayer.
Purify me at brooks of water
Anoint me with myrrh and incense
Renew light within me like the radiance of the moon.
My Lord,
My womb which You have given me
Is pure;
Place a soul in my midst.
Then may my home be whole before You,
And my insides be lined with love.

A modern Israeli prayer to be recited before a plunging into the Jewish ritual bath, but can be used at other times as well. From “A Jewish Woman’s Prayer Book” by Aliza Lavie. Copyright © 2008 by Aliza Lavie. Excerpted by permission Spiegel & Grau, a division of Random House, Inc. 

Feeling in limbo....

UPDATE: My period arrived early this morning. I am happy my body is getting back to normal and preparing to conceive again!!

My husband and I often talk about our mixed feelings of having recently moved from the city to country six months ago. Were we ready for the change? Of course. Were we pregnant (for the first time) at the time? Yes. Do we feel like the move was a bit premature? Maybe.

It's not easy living in a newly constructed planned community meant for families. We are constantly surrounded by young families and little kids. They are everywhere. 

The hard part is that we feel like we are in limbo -- ready for the next step but stuck with the reality of the present. We've been ready for awhile too, which makes it even harder. It's like we are inundated with what we want to be our life but are stuck in the cruel reality of the present. 

Every time I feel down or sorry for myself, I try to do some positive visualization to imagine what our lives will be like with kids and try to see that dream in others. It's not easy but an important and healthy part of the process. Feeling open to possibilities and genuinely happy for others will only help us move forward and hope for good things to come.

It WILL be our time soon, and trust me, we will enjoy every aspect of family friendly green neighborhood space in our community....with smiles on our faces, a Pug at our side, and a baby stroller to lead the way.

Happy where I am!

Good news! I am not the carrier of any genetic defects. Yay! Yet another thing in our favor moving forward in our fertility journey.

It seems like forever since I've written, though it has only been a week. I am crazy busy with my new job at my new middle school teaching teachers. I love it and am learning a ton every day! I especially love meeting and working individually with teachers to exchange ideas and determine how to make their lessons as effective as possible for their students. That's no small task!

On the fertility front, I am feeling good and relaxed. The hubby and I both have a lot going on in our lives - with work and our hobbies and social lives - that the topic of when we will next be pregnant isn't often at the forefront of conversation. It is quite a relief.

My period is now overdue, though who knows when it's technically supposed to arrive post-miscarriage. I've started dark spotting a little bit today and have a lot if the same feelings I had at the start of the last pregnancy. We will see what a urine test reveals in the AM or later in the week!

As I see it, it really is a win-win situation. If we're pregnant again already, great. If I get my period, that only means my system is getting ready to conceive again and returning back to normal. We really can't lose.

Happily, we also have another new baby to look forward to, a Pug puppy named Oliver! His mom is due to give birth on November 11, and we will bring him home at eight weeks in early January. What a perfect Christmas present and start to the year! 

I have a good feeling that 2014 will be a special year for other reasons as well. Fingers crossed, and baby dust to all!!

Post-miscarriage hope...

They say you're most fertile in the months immediately following a miscarriage. I like this idea. ;)

I'm feeling some pulling down there, which could be nothing, a good sign, or my own imagination. It's been over three weeks since the MC and we have been good about doing the deed regularly, so it is a definite possibility that this could be our month. Fingers crossed!

Of course, it's easy to get your hopes up too high. It's easy to overanalyze every possible symptom and get engulfed in the dark abyss of Dr. Google. It's easy to go a bit nuts over one's already emotionally intense fertility journey. 

What's not easy is finding and being at peace with the process. I must constantly try to find the balance between being proactive and letting the process naturally happen as it was meant to.

I got quite emotional after getting a ton of bloodwork done last week. Sometimes, you just need to cry. The good news is that my Beta is basically down to a zero, and no further trending is needed. Yay! En route to a wedding in ME and MA this weekend, I also got more bloodwork done in NH on Friday morning for the series of genetic, chromosomal, and recurrent miscarriage panel tests we are having. The party never ends!

Weddings always make me emotional, especially during handwritten vows. Yesterday was no exception. Hearing others' vows only reaffirms the amazing lifelong commitment I've made with my hubby. It's always a sacred moment. 

I leave you with a link to the words spoken by the minister at the ceremony yesterday from the children's book I Like You:

http://offbeatbride.com/2011/05/wedding-readings-from-childrens-books

I would go on choosing you

And you would go on choosing me

Over and over again.

Abundant fertility call with Circle and Bloom!

Good morning, loves!

I have mentioned how awesome Circle and Bloom is in previous posts, especially when it comes to their fertility and pregnancy meditation programs.

The owner of the website, Jennifer, is offering a call next Monday about trust and letting go in your fertility journey. I am unable to make the call but certainly hope that you are!

March on, warrior women!!

---------------------------

We have a very special Abundant Fertility Healing 
and Support Call happeningMonday, September 9th.  

Topic: Trust, Letting Go, and a Success Story

During the last call, I answered questions from the group. 
We spent the most time talking about the power of 
letting go and trusting the process.

The group members asked if during a future call, they
could hear directly from someone who had 
experienced challenges with infertility and then
experienced success after letting go and trusting.

I am happy to announce that during this next call, we will
be joined by Cheryl, a previous member of the Abundant
Fertility Community.  She is going to share her 
personal experi ences with letting go, trusting the process
and her pregnancy success.

I've asked her to share the good, the bad, and the ugly -
and the real truth of what it felt like to let go and trust,
how she did it, and to answer questions that you have
for her.

This will be a very rich, and most likely emotional, call.

Come and join and hear a first hand success story.

Click here for more information and to join.  The call is at
7:00 PM CST (8 EST, 6 MST, 5 PST).  And, as always, this
call will be recorded so you may re-listen as many times
as you would like, or if you can't join live.


Fertile Ble ssings,

Jennifer

Jennifer Bloome
President and Founder
Anji Inc
www.AnjiOnline.com
888-770-2770
651-686-4763

Too many cooks in the kitchen...

There's a reason why my mother always said she would rather work for men than women.

For all the problems my last school and position had, I did enjoy working with more men, who tended to be more no-nonsense, less judgmental, and more focused on results. Even though I work for a male principal again now, he is still very close with his two female assistant principals and former Staff Development Teacher (my new position), who works in a new position in the building. Lots of strong female personalities all seeming to vie for power and influence in a school? Oh boy, there is bound to be trouble.

Luckily, I've never been one to be influenced by power or head games. I demand a lot from myself in all aspects of my life, especially in my professional life. I am a Type A perfectionist and go-getter by nature and have been learning how to balance those tendencies and urges throughout my thirty years of life. Since starting my teaching career in 2005, I think I have made great progress in balancing my professional and work lives. Yes, I will always find it hard to sit still or stop working, but I've certainly learned how to de-stress and not let work/school take over my life, as it has in the past.

This year will pose a new challenge to me on how to balance a complex, new, and quite complicated position where I am no longer a teacher but not quite an administrator. I will have to work hard to not have an identity crisis over it. In addition, I have to learn how to continue to say no, set firm boundaries with my administration, and never forget the needs of my teachers or their students. In the process, I also have to continue having a life outside of school. Last week, I ended up unintentionally missing a meeting (which had no established start time) to head to the gym for a quick workout and shower at 5 p.m. before having to be back at school before 7 p.m. for a new parent orientation. Did I feel guilty about missing this meeting? Of course. But am I glad I stepped away from the building and had a bit of time to reenergize myself? Absolutely. It was worth the guilt others made me feel as well (one such person in the form of a passive aggressive text message -- arg!).

Fertility is no exception -- it's about finding the balance between working too hard to make it work versus stepping back, relaxing, and letting the process naturally happen. This is no small feat, and I am definitely still learning how to do so productively. However, since we started our journey to future parenthood in February 2012, I've come a long way. I need to take the time to appreciate that fact and give myself a pat on the back, since it hasn't been an easy or predictable path.

Just like at school, I will continue to find my balance between controlling the situation and being calm and stress-free about the next step. I will continue to be proactive and take care of myself, knowing that it never cool to let others define, bully, or make judgements about you. This isn't middle school (even though I still work in one), and I refuse to step down to the level of those who feel insecure and let these inadequacies negatively impact their relationships with others.

After all, even when there are too many cooks in the kitchen, you can decide when it's time to leave the chaos and step outside. Maybe this is why my morning walk felt so refreshing today, even in the heat.

March on, warriors!